STEP #1:
Read books on how to write screenplays, then follow their advice as closely as possible
On his website, screenwriting guru Robert McKee (author of “Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and Principals of Screenwriting”) boasts that his former students have gone on to win a total of 26 Oscars, 125 Emmys, and 19 WGA awards. Scanning through the list of best original screenplay winners, his claim may have some validity. If the screenplays for “Witness,” “Ghost,” “Dead Poets Society,” and “Good Will Hunting” weren’t the result of McKee’s scriptwriting seminars, they feel like they could’ve been. Each is well-crafted, but formulaic and predictable - qualities which McKee and the authors of countless other so-called “screenwriting bibles” believe all screenwriters must aspire to.
Every so often, the Academy will give the screenwriting award to something more adventurous like Paddy Chayefsky’s script for “Network” or Charlie Kaufman’s script for for “Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind.” But whenever this happens, it seems like a strange accident, like winning the lottery and getting struck by lightning at the same time. It is much safer to stick to a tried and true formula.
STEP #2:
Include as much shouting in the screenplay as possible
“I thought the award was for best acting, not most acting,” Heath Ledger supposedly quipped after losing to Phillip Seymour Hoffman for his showy performance in “Capote.” Ledger adapted quickly. His next performance as The Joker in “The Dark Knight” was as flamboyant and over-the-top as his performance in “Brokeback Mountain” was subtle and restrained, and he ended up winning the best supporting actor award, beating Philip Seymour Hoffman for his almost-as-loud performance in “Doubt.”
Other scenery chewers to walk away with the award include Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman” (“Hoo ha!”), Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” (“Drainage!”), and Halle Berry in “Monster’s Ball” (“Make me feel goooood!”).
STEP #3:
Hire a photogenic actor, then make them radically change their appearance
Ever since Robert De Niro gained 70 pounds for “Raging Bull,” radically changing appearances has proven to be a sure-fire ticket to Oscar glory. For her role as Virginia Woolf in “The Hours,” Nicole Kidman wore a wig and a large prosthetic nose. Her transformation was endlessly hyped in the media and helped secure her the best actress Oscar. Not to be outdone, Charlize Theron in “Monster” gained weight, wore prosthetic teeth, and hid behind mounds of make-up. She too received the award. More recently, George Clooney gained weight and grew a beard for “Syriana,” and was then promptly awarded the best supporting actor trophy.
This strategy, of course, isn’t 100% fool-proof. Brad Pitt wore extensive make-up in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” but lost to Sean Penn for his comparatively make-up-less performance in “Milk.” Perhaps if Pitt had gained some weight for the role, the outcome would have been different.
STEP #4:
Hire a director with a generic style
Based on the list of past recipients, the Academy voters seem to be under the impression that the most important filmmakers of the last thirty years were Robert Redford, Warren Beatty, Kevin Costner, and Ron Howard - directors who lack a personal signature and whose output is largely interchangeable (if someone were to slap Robert Redford’s name on “A Beautiful Mind,” for instance, would anyone notice?).
When you watch a film by Stanley Kubrick, Robert Altman, or David Lynch, you’re immediately aware of who is behind the camera, and you gradually get a sense of their personality and world-view. It is no surprise then that none of these directors have ever won an Oscar (not counting Altman’s belated lifetime achievement award).
STEP #5
Hire a composer who thinks he’s living in the 18th century
Some of the most arresting scores of the last decade (such as “There Will Be Blood” by Jonny Greenwood, “The Assassination of Jesse James” by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis, and “Requiem for a Dream” by Clint Mansell) failed to receive nominations, most likely because they demonstrated a degree of familiarity with contemporary musical trends, and the Academy loves to give awards to sweeping symphonic scores composed in the classical style.
To scan through the list of prior winners is to encounter the names John Williams, John Barry, and James Horner over and over again. Perhaps the three have a timeshare on the award.
STEP #6
Launch an aggressive advertising campaign
At the height of its reign, Miramax scored far more Oscar nominations than any other studio, partly because they put out a superior product (“Pulp Fiction,” “The English Patient,” “My Left Foot”), and partly because they launched some of the most aggressive campaigns in Oscar history. It seems almost inconceivable that Academy voters would have picked “Shakespeare in Love” or “Chicago” for best picture had they not fallen under the sway of the Weinstein’s multi-million dollar brainwashing scheme.